Bar Enal - Malcesine - Lake Garda - verona

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." "If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you" To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A woman sitting in a restaurant suddenly began to cough.After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie. The woman signaled 'No!', desperately shaking her head. "Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head 'No!!!' With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her backside. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

A woman went up to heaven and as she was being shown around, she saw another woman having holes drilled into her head, she was obviously in great pain. "What are they doing to her?" she asked. "Oh, that's normal procedure" said St Peter, "That's so we can attach the halo" As they continued she saw a guy who already had the holes in his head, with halo attached, having huge holes drilled into his back, he was screaming in agony. "What's he done to deserve that?" she asked. "Oh, they're going to attach the wings to him later, the holes are for the mounting brackets" said St Peter. "Do they do this to everyone ?" "After a while, yes" "I think I'd rather go down below to the other place" she said. "Oh, you wouldn't want to go there" he said, "they rape and sodomise you down there!" "That's fine" she said, "I've already got the right holes for that!" Bob

Three mice, one from Liverpool, one from Manchester and one from Glasgow are sitting in a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

The Liverpool mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass on the bar and says "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with cheese".

The Manchester mouse orders two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams down both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Liverpudlian mouse and says, "Oh yeah ? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into powder and stir it in my coffee so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day".

The Liverpool mouse and the Manchester mouse then turn to the Glasgow mouse. The Glaswegian mouse finishes his beer and lets out a long sigh, saying to the other two, "I've heard enough o' this sh!te, Ah'm awa hame tae shag the cat".

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert, or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, so they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other a full minute before the Pope raised his hand. He showed 3 fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back. He raised 1 finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared he was beaten. Rabbi Moishe was too clever and the Jews could stay. Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still but one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten, and I could not continue." Meanwhile, the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?", they asked. "I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First, he tells me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then, he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, 'We're staying right here'." "Then, what happened?", asked a woman. "Who knows?", said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Men strike back! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ------------------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course - He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle the truth!